Sunshine Blogger Award Nominee

Mind and Love has nominated me for the Sunshine Blogger Award. I am so honored to be nominated. I have seen so many amazing people that I follow get nominated. Not once did I think that I would. Thank you so much.

As part of being nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award I have to answer 11 questions from the person who nominated me. The questions and my responses are below.

1. What is one food combination you eat that would bewilder most people?

I have been told by my family that most people don’t eat ketchup with turkey. I need to eat ketchup with everything. It makes all food taste better.

2. What TV show do you watch that you’re most embarrassed to admit?

I still love to watch my fave childhood shows like Kim Possible and H20 Just Add Water and Charmed. I am still a child at heart.

3. What is one of your favorite memories?

Dancing and listening to music with my mom. She has been the one person who never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. With every decision I have made, she has supported me and helped me become a better person. I have so many memories of good times with my mom that I can’t pick just one.

4.  What is one thing that you will do differentlytoday; something outside your typical routine?

I will go to sleep early.

5. What is one quality that you absolutely loveabout yourself?

I love that I am kind and accepting of everybody.

6. What or who do you love most in this worldand why?

I think I answered this question in number 3. My mom. She has made me into the person I am today. Even though we fought a lot when I was younger, I still love her.

7. What is your favorite part of blogging and why?

My favourite part is being able to help people who may struggle fee like they aren’t alone. I like being able to put my voice out there and sort through the many thoughts in my head. I also love being able to make connections with the people I meet.

8. What is your least favorite aspect of blogging and why?

Coming up with new ideas can be hard. If I plan it out good night enough, I can write it.

9. What is one thing or event from your life that most pleasantly surprised you?

I never thought I would make it through college. When I went straight out of high school, I failed out of college. I wasn’t happy, didn’t know what I wanted to do and didn’t have the drive to succeed. Somehow I found my love for writing and ended up finishing my degree I journalism.

10. What is one thing you could do right now that would elevate your emotional state?

Smelling lavender. It is my favorite scent. It helps me relax.

11. What are you most thankful for and why?

I am most thankful for the people in my life. I am learning to become a better person because of them.

I get the honor of choosing 11 people I would like to be nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award. These are the people who have written about topics I enjoy reading about and take inspiration from. I have many others I haven’t listed as well. The people I nominate are listed below.

1. Hummings

2. The Psych Talk

3. Living With Mental Health

4. Untangled

5. Home of Understanding

6. When Women Inspire

7. Mental Health @ Home

8. The Dopamine Queen

9. Finding Hope

10. heyitschloejade

11. Sneha’s Expression

Now it is time for my 11 questions for my nominees.

1. Where is your favorite place in the world?

2. What is one thing you want to do that you haven’t done yet?

3. Who do you love most?

4. What is your favorite book?

5. What is your favorite show?

6. What made you interested in starting a blog?

7. What is one thing you regret most?

8. Where do you get your inspiration from?

9. What motivates you to start your day?

10. Do you have a pet?

11. What is your favorite blog post you have written and why?

Thank you for nominating me.

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Afraid Of Change

“In the midst of hate, I found there was in me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was within me, an invincible calm. I realized that throughout it all, that…In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

-Albert Camus

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I love this quote. It says that even when times get tough, I can make it through anything. It may take a long time to get their but I will get their.

A goal worth reaching takes a long time to reach. It can be a career goal, a personal goal or any goal you have. Each will have their ups and downs a long the way. All of my goals have taken years – like going to university- and some I am still working on after years.

One thing I learned about myself recently is that I am afraid of change. I have been working on getting better at it for the past couple years. The only thing is that once I get close to getting better with it, I take a step back and fall back into the person I was before I started working on it.

I have been told that I can be selfish and vengeful. Sometimes it is on purpose just to hurt someone close to me if things don’t go my way. Other times it is out of habit. I learned how to be stubborn from my mom. She ran the household. Whatever she wanted is how things went. I guess I have that attitude.

I have come to learn that this attitude can cause damage to myself and the people I am close to. When things go south, I go back to my destructive behaviours to feel better and forget about the stressful event. This isn’t healthy because it causes me to hide and increase my anxiety. I get scared of people leaving me, I hate myself and seclude myself. This is all that I know to make things better for myself.

Because this isn’t making things better in reality, I have had to work hard for the past couple years to change. I still haven’t fully changed. I still constantly do these things out of habit without meaning to but I am working on being more aware so I can get better.

A couple of the ways I have been doing this are by doing yoga, going on walks and writing.

Through each of my mistakes as I work on getting better, I have found so many good things. I have discovered love and what it means. I have made friends. I have learned healthy ways of coping. I have learned how much pain I can handle and how strong I really am. The most important thing I have learned is that I can also learn to love myself.

What changes have been the most difficult for you to make?

Your Past Doesn’t Define You

I watched Trisha Payta’s most recent vlog where she talked about how she has changed and how anyone can change the kind of person they are. Trisha is right. As we age, the kind of person we are grows. I know that I have changed a lot from the person I was as a child.

When I was younger, I was a horrible older sister. Instead of being the responsible one who showed my younger sisters how to act, I treated them like they were the worst people in my life. I used to hit them, yell at them, break their things, hurt them on purpose and probably more that I can’t remember.

One time when I was babysitting them, I slapped her. While I was watching TV in the basement while my parents were home, my sister was sneaking up behind the couch to scare me several times. It annoyed me so I pushed her off the couch. She hit her head and needed stitches. One time, I kicked a hole in her door because I was upset. I now only remember only small bits of how I acted back then because my relationship with my sisters is completely different now.

At some point in our relationship, I changed. Me and my sisters became best friends. We went to see One Direction, 5SOS and Demi Lovato live. We hang out at the mall, go shopping, watch horror movies, go out to eat and play games together.

Nobody stays the same type of person their entire life. The way we see life always changes and this causes us to change without realizing it. I reached a point where I wanted to make changes in my life. One of those that changed with it was my relationship with my sisters. She didn’t hold my past against me because she knew I could be a good friend. The same goes for everybody.

Your past doesn’t define the person you are today.

Stand Out

I have been listening to Stand Out Fit In by One Ok Rock a lot. The song is about someone trying to decide if they should stand out or fit in with their peers.

In the video, an Asian kid goes to an American school. The students bully him for sticking to his Asian roots. As he gets older, the music video shows him fitting in with his new group of friends. They visit him at his parents restaurant to invite him to a small group party. Their vehicle crashes. When he makes it out of the vehicle, the Asian kid changes his appearance to fit in as an American. At the end of the video, everyone disappears and he is back to being a young Asian boy with no friends.

This song and music video got me thinking about how when I was in high school I was shy and had no friends. This made me a target for bullies. Being bullied caused me to hide from everyone through out the school day and be late to class. This is how my depression and anxiety started.

Before this, I had an easy time making friends. The only issue was keeping them. I don’t remember clearly what happened. I just know that I said something by accident that I shouldn’t have. The 2 good friends that I had got mad at me and left me. They refused to accept me back as a friend even when I apologised. I had other friends after that who I just grew apart with as we reached high school.

Because I was quiet and had no friends, I spent a lot of time paying attention to what other people did and how they acted and dressed. I do remember how someone once got real hair extensions. People bullied her until she removed them. Another girl got a new pair of boots that she loved. Her friends didn’t and bullied her because they thought the shoes were ugly.

I remember wanting to fit in so I could have friends. I didn’t like being bullied. I wished I could change everything about me to fit the person they wanted me to be. I threw out all the clothes that I got bullied for wearing and only the clothes that resembled what others were wearing. It didn’t change anything because people still found other things to bully me about though.

One thing about these people that I noticed was that they didn’t get rid of the hair extensions or boots because they liked how they looked. They didn’t care about fitting in. They wanted to be themselves and stand out.

As I got older, I realized that they made the right decision. You shouldn’t change what you like to be liked by others. The people who didn’t like me for being different hated themselves for trying to fit in. I am perfect as I am. Eventually I will meet people who feel the same way about me.

Have you had a similar experience of where you tried to fit in but realized it was better to just be yourself?

How To Build Relationships With An Anxiety Disorder

Anxiety can make relationships difficult to build. Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship, it can seem like your anxiety can make enjoying your time with someone difficult.

You’re mind is always racing and can go blank when it gets overwhelming. You have trouble putting your thoughts together. You’re scared to talk with them. Your body tingles. You’re sweating so much that you’re worried about stinking. Your muscles get tight and you entire body hurts. All you want to do is leave and return to a place you feel safe.

If you want to leave and not do an activity with them that you know will be fun, they may think you’re selfish or not interested in them. But that’s not true. You’re just overly worried and you don’t know why. You can’t help it. Pushing them away isn’t your intent at all.

With anxiety, it’s easy to get lost in your head. It’s controls you to the point where you risk losing the people you care about. That doesn’t have to happen though. You can still have and keep healthy relationships.

Below are four tips to help you.

1. Be aware

It can be easy to get lost in all the thoughts racing through your head. As you are thinking about what to say or are anxious about the situation, the negative thoughts can be overpowering.

To avoid this, you need to be aware of which thoughts are from your anxiety and which are normal thoughts. It can be confusing at first because you are used to your anxiety controlling your mind. With practice, you will be able to tell the difference.

When you feel your anxiety taking control, take a deep breath and give yourself a moment to notice your thoughts and how you are feeling in that moment. It may seem hard and overwhelming at first but in time you will learn to feel more in control because you understand your anxiety more than you did before.

2. Positive Thoughts

Anxious thoughts come from negative emotions. You’re scared of the number of people surrounding you. You don’t want to say the wrong thing. You’re worried about spending money. You’re afraid of change or letting yourself feel happy because your negative thoughts will take that feeling away from you.

Whatever anxious thoughts you may have, you have control over them and your choices. Your anxiety shouldn’t have to decide how you live your life.

If you find your anxious thoughts making a negative decision for you, take moment to think about the positives of giving in to the situation. For example if they want you to go to a baseball game with them, a positive thought would be having fun and enjoying your time with that person. That is worth it and better than staying home because you’re worried about spending money, being out late and being in a crowded place.

3. Keep Busy

When your friend or partner isn’t available to spend time with you, it is easy to be overly worried about why they aren’t available to spend time with you. You may think it is because you’re boring or that you did something to make them hate you.

These kind of thoughts can cause you to send multiple texts about where they are, what they are doing, why they can’t spend time with you and how they feel about you. Doing this can often lead to arguments and even pushing that person away without meaning to.

The reason they are busy isn’t because of you. You’re an amazing person and they love you. To help you keep this positive thought, find something to keep yourself busy as well. You could volunteer, write, read a book, go on walk, spend time at your local coffee shop, binge watch your favorite show or you can clean your space. Find what works for you.

4. Honesty

As a way to make things slightly easier and feel more comfortable with trying work on controlling your anxiety, be honest with the other person. If you ever need to walk away because you need a moment to work through your thoughts or need help working through a situation, you won’t feel uncomfortable because you know you have support.

Anxiety is easier to understand when you have someone to support you through it.

Do you find these tips helpful? Do you use any of them or have others you find helpful? Leave a comment to let me know.

Weekly update

A lot of things have been happening. The good news I was hoping to share ended up not falling through, I have fallen back into bad habits and have worked on getting back to good habits.

I shared in my last update that I was working on finding a new job. I have been at my current job for almost 11 years. Things aren’t going as great there for me any more. People aren’t treated fairly, people wanting to cause drama and many other things. I took an interview for a sales administrative assistant job at a hotel. After my second interview, I received an email saying they chose a more qualified person for the job.

The reason I was upset was because I was qualified for the position. The interview went great. We had a great conversation at the end about our dogs and I answered each question easily. I was upset and confused about why I wouldn’t be qualified. Was it because I stuttered or because of how I dressed? When I called to ask, they told me the same thing as the email.

That job would had been perfect. The hours would have worked great with my boyfriends new work hours. I also would had learned some new skills. The job wasn’t that much different than my current job. I didn’t like having to tell him I didn’t get the job either. He agreed with me for how great the job would have worked out with his hours.

Since then, I have been searching for other opportunities in the same area of work. I have had 2 other interviews that I am waiting to hear more from. Hopefully one of those works out. I am staying positive.

Even though I like to say I am better and have recovered from self harm, I have been having a lot of slip ups recently. I have been cutting myself and purging again.

When asked why I have been doing it again, I have a hard time saying that it’s because I have been hating on myself. I have been hating how I look, how I’ve been acting, how negative my thoughts have been and more. The reasons just seem so stupid when said out loud that I just keep quiet. I know that isn’t a good thing but I am not ready saying it out loud yet. If I tried to say it out loud, my mind would go blank.

I feel like a lot of it has to do with me still learning to live on my own. I just moved out at the age of 29. I have been struggling for years and was used to having my parents as support to keep me on track. They made sure I ate and didn’t throw it up. Without that support anymore, I am left to decide on my own and my mind takes control. I don’t eat enough, throw up when I do eat a lot and cut myself when I hate myself for making those choices.

I try to be good to myself when I don’t harm myself but I always end up slipping up again. My life is back to being a work in progress.

Leave a comment letting me know how your week has been.

Daily Walks

One thing I love about spring is being able to go outside with my puppy. Every time I say we are going outside, he gets so excited and spins around in circles until he gets dizzy. Exercise is important to him. It’s what makes him and I happy.

I make sure we get out on walks at least once a day. The only time that doesn’t happen is when it rains or is too hot to where my puppy will get heat exhaustion. He is an english toy spaniel. His flat nose makes it hard to cool himself off. He gets exhausted quickly in warm weather.

When we go on walks together, I find it to be relaxing. There is a wide open area outside where I am able to walk. I like this so much better than being inside my tiny condo. Also because I live near a park, there are a lot of other people walking. This allows me to meet people and socialize. Socializing isn’t something I normally do so this challenges me to get out of my comfort zone.

Our walks together is almost like ASMR for me too. I enjoy listening to the creak running, the ducks quacking and the wind. It helps me relax, clear my head and keeps me busy so I make healthier choices.

Taking time out of your day to release stress is healthy. It gives your brain a rest and can help the rest of your day be a positive one.

What do you do throughout your day to relax?