When I think about who I am, it is difficult. I have a mental illness. I want to be able to say I have a bachelor degree in journalism but my mental illness has kept me from getting an internship to allow me to finish my degree. I want to be involved in things more but I can’t find the drive to do them. I want to make changes to improve my life but I don’t want to try.
When people look back on who they were throughout the year and the changes that happened in their life, most people only see the bad things that happened and what the changes they didn’t made that I wanted to make. This is because we only focus on the big things and not the small things.
This year, I didn’t do all the things I wanted to do. They are still in progress of happening though. This year there are still positives in the things that didn’t happen. Sometimes you need to keep trying or look at things from a different perspective.
I was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression several times throughout my life and diagnosed bulimic with anorexic tendencies in my mid 20’s. These things had a huge affect on my life. It lowered my grades in school, made friendships hard to keep and made finding a job I like difficult.
Even though it has, I keep trying to find the right job. I might give up along the way many times, but I keep looking. I work as best I can to talk with new people and do what I can to keep the one friend I have in my life.
My lack of confidence makes trying my best to get an internship hard. If I make it a step further in the process of finding one, my nerves cause me to mess up somehow. The task I am given is where I fail at. It doesn’t mean I am not capable of that type of work. I just need more practice in that environment to find the confidence.
There are opportunities I can take to get more writing experience by volunteering. The drive I had to travel and work harder to learn are gone. It isn’t because I don’t care to do it. I just want more than that at the moment. That is why I started my blog. Being able to write what interests me has given me the drive back to write. It may not be on the job experience but I am still learning.
I am not great at expressing or letting others know my emotions. It is too easy to shut them down at any moment. When I hide them and come across as not caring, it isn’t because I don’t care. I do feel something. I just got used to feeling safer when I don’t.
I show my care through actions. They are just as important as showing emotions. If someone I care about is having a bad day, I will try to help them feel better by doing something kind for them. I encourage them if they aren’t sure about an outcome. I ask questions if it’s something I can’t do anything about.
As I type this, I see my year has been filled with many positives. Each positive started negative but I turned them around and saw there was a positive change within what I did.
What positive changes have happened for you this year?