Covid-19 Mental Health Update

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During the COVID-19 stay at home order there were many changes in my mental health and my relationship. I didn’t expect to struggle mentally because I am an introvert and have always dealt with my mental health alone.

At the start of my work closing, I began living with my boyfriend. When it comes to food, he is okay with eating a lot and normally. I have never been like that. Even though I was good with forcing myself to stick to a lower weight by only eating small meals that were below a number of calories, I wasn’t able to anymore while living with him.

The first month, he was working from home. We spent every day and all day together. Everything he ate, I ate with him. I never thought much about the amount I was eating compared to before. I did know they were bigger than I was used to. My normal before was eating an item or 2 as a meal. On the days I worked, I didn’t eat for hours at a time because it made getting through work until I was able to enjoy a meal with my boyfriend easier. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat anything all day until the evening. During our time together, I was hungry and happy to be with him. That mattered more than the amount I was eating.

After my boyfriend got called back to work at the office a month later and I had a lot of time to myself, I went back to focusing on the amount I was eating. After we got breakfast together, I would skip meals in between until he got home from work. I felt disgusted with myself if I didn’t.

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I needed to make up for all the food I ate before because my favorite clothes no longer fit me. My shorts were tight. I couldn’t button them or fit them all over my thighs. My work clothes were to tight in the thigh and I couldn’t zip them up. All of my tops still fit just fine. After my boyfriend made a comment about me looking better and healthier than before, I had the desire to try on clothes I haven’t worn in a while. He said I have gained muscles in my thighs and my hips. He also noticed my boobs had gotten bigger and had more definition in my face. Even though he never said I was bigger or gained fat, it still lowered my confidence.

One night, I told my boyfriend my clothes no longer fit me and how it made me feel. I felt fat and like I needed to starve myself to get back to my weight before I lived with him. He told me I looked perfect as I am now. I didn’t believe him. None of my clothes fit and I don’t like certain parts of my body looking bigger when I look in the mirror. I spent an hour crying to him. He kept telling me that it was muscle and not fat. I was using my body to do work around the house and during sex.

The last thing he told me was my body needs to be healthy in order for me to have kids. He said that when we start trying to have kids, giving birth will be harder on my body if I’m not at a healthy weight. We have been talking and planning for what life and when we will start trying to have kids. It’s something both of us want. He told me in order for me to go back to my old weight, I would need to give up having kids and sex. I didn’t want to.

It took a long time for me to believe him and to start really trying to stay healthy when I am by myself. There were times when I purged when I couldn’t handle all the food in my stomach. It’s hard not to when you can’t stop thinking about doing it.

Recently, it has been slightly easier to stay healthy and not worry about my weight. I have to remind myself he thinks I look perfect no matter what. He has seen me looking my worst and still said he loved me. I think about the future where we have 3 kids running around. It gives me the motivation to go the fridge to grab something to eat and to keep food down.

Now that I am back to working and my old schedule, I am worried my eating habits will be back to the way they were before. I’m hoping the new habits I’ve made stay with me.

8 thoughts on “Covid-19 Mental Health Update

  1. I’m glad your boyfriend has been giving positive feedback. Hopefully what you see in the mirror will gradually start to shift closer to his view that you’re perfect just as you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was hard for me to read…. I felt your struggle. I can relate to what you are going through. My clothes don’t fit me either, and my husband commented on my weight the other day. I was less than impressed since he isn’t exactly skinny himself. What do you mean that you can’t have sex? Perhaps I read that wrong. Sex is healthy, a natural anti-depressant, and it does burn some calories.

    Part of my weight problem is due to the fact that I cannot walk and haven’t been able to in weeks. Since COVID-19 started, I think I gained 20 pounds. Please don’t starve yourself. Starving yourself is counter-productive and will slow down the metabolism. I think you might like intermittent fasting since you mentioned that you skip meals, but with IF there is NO calorie restriction. I’m going back to IF because I used to do it not knowing that it was called intermittent fasting, and that worked for me. It’s worth looking into.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was meant as sex is a workout that can build muscle. He says that I built muscle from it. I don’t know if this is true or not. I do believe him to some extent that it is.

      I’m sorry you haven’t been able to go on walks. I haven’t either with my dog. I hope things better soon. You are still beautiful no matter what.

      Without thinking about it, I have done intermittent fasting sort of. I ate a large breakfast. If I’m starving at noon, I had a small lunch and ate a good dinner.

      Since returning to work, I haven’t been eating much inbetween breakfast and dinner. Being back at work has been stressful but I have been able to still eat meals with my boyfriend and a big meal with my family on July 4th. This is my second week back to work and I’m hoping I can stay on a healthy track. This weekend will be the first on my own.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I couldn’t find your reply but now I found it. Sometimes comments get hidden and then I have to find them, which can take a while 😂

        I think any kind of exercise including sex can help build muscle. It definitely can’t hurt, in terms of staying fit that is!

        Lately, I’ve been eating one meal a day but right now I’m not feeling so great so I’m back to my normal eating habits. I usually eat 2 meals a day but I snack A LOT. Doing IF has proven challenging for me but manageable. Once I’m feeling better I hope to do IF again. It prevents me from snacking, which is why I like it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s okay lol. At work, I have to eat at least once or I feel sick. I hope it helps you again when you get better. Small steps each day towards it can avoid the hunger to snack. Over my days off and at night I have been snacking on lots of leftover treats I took from my parents over 4th of July

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      3. I just got a free bag of bagels and some bread buns but I haven’t been hungry enough to eat them. My biggest weakness is candy. I bought way too much and I have zero self-control when it comes to candy. I told myself no more candy. Another weakness of mine is cereal and idk why. I can eat bowls and bowls of boring Cheerios and feel hungry again 15 min later, so I won’t be buying them again. Makes me wonder what’s in Cheerios to make them so addictive 🤭🤔

        Liked by 1 person

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