Before You Go

I have been listening to Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi whenever I hear it on the radio. At first listen, I thought it was about a break up. They loved them so much that they still had more they wanted to say before they left. After listening more times, I realized it was about missing someone who is gone.

Lewis said his aunt committed suicide when he was a little boy. He missed her and wished he would have done something to help her. His wished she had noticed the signs and could tell her how she felt.

Suicide is something I do think about more often than I’d like to admit. I often think that life would be easier for me if I was dead. I don’t think anyone will miss me if I was gone. My life isn’t getting any better so I should just give up. If I was dead, I wouldn’t be a burden to the people around me anymore.

This stems from my insecurities. In high school, I was bullied for having social anxiety. People didn’t want to be around me. Most of my free time between classes was spent hiding in the bathroom stalls. There are times when I feel like I am a burden to my boyfriend. I recently said to my boyfriend that I felt like I was ruining his relaxing time on his day off work by spending time with him. He told me I wasn’t. I feel like the type of person I am around my family makes me feel like they don’t want me around.

Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi makes me think about the good times I have with the people I care about. Some of my family asks me to come over and spend time with them. I talk daily to my sister. My boyfriend says he has the most fun spending time with me and wants us to have a baby together. My puppy is the most happy when he sees me come home and when I am home all day to spend time with him.

I have to remind myself there are things in my life I am grateful for. My dog came into my life a couple months after my 2 cats passed away. I feel like I got lucky because his personality is like me. He is the gentlest and kindest dog. I am lucky to have met my boyfriend. He came up to me at work one day and we have been together since. I am grateful that I have a sister I am close to. My family is understanding of my social anxiety.

This doesn’t stop the thoughts of suicide but it helps remind me that I will be missed.

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